Transporting Made Better


I was working on writing something about how we wouldn’t be here without beer and then I had a couple beers and got distracted. I got distracted thinking about how the Star Trek writers could have made transporting so much better. The fun is endless. Endless I say. Wait, I am switching to Romulan Ale(Kentucky Bourbon). Cough. Smoooooth. Ok. Sheesh. I don’t think that helped. 

Anyway, there are so many other things the transporter could be doing and could make life easier on the USS Lucas, boldly drinking where no one has drunk before. First, you wouldn’t have to worry about getting dressed for meeting the Captain on the bridge. You pre-program the outfit you want and the transporter hurls your molecules to the bridge in the correct uniform saving the PJ’s for bedtime. 

Not going straight to your quarters after a hard day of plotting courses? No problem. Transport straight to 10 Forward in your drinking duds to partake upon a crisp Blood Wine or maybe a Vulcan Pale Ale. 

Drinking problem? Has Number 1 made you want to take a number two? Avoid being put on report again by programming the transporter to send you to bed at a predetermined time already in your PJ’s. It would be like a technological intervention.

I know what you are thinking. No showering? No sir. Showering and wasting water is a thing of the past. That water can be put to good use brewing fine craft beer. If it is so advanced as to be able to compensate for the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle then it can shake off a few smelly bacteria. BONUS. Swamp ass is extinct. Its new name will be the swamp ass compensator. SAC.

OK, so some of the crew will be boring and not drink. I get it. Someone has to be the Battalion S1 personnel. I’m not leaving them out. Picture this. You have been busy losing paperwork all day and all you can think of is a hot date with your soul mate. After a tough three hour day you mosey into your quarters and as soon as you cross the threshold the transporter makes your uniform disappear, “Honey, I’m home!”.

So many options. What about sex during transport? Could that be a thing? Could there be a better example of two becoming one? That is some serious mind-melding. I think the Romulan Ale is getting to me. I am starting to wax romantic. Definitely, time for me to go. Beam me up Scotty!

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