Exbeeriment

How many exbeeriments have you conducted and didn’t know it? Or maybe, you were the subject of an exbeeriment and didn’t know it. Allow me to elaborate a likely scenario. Head brewer has just now changed the keg to the brand new IPA. At that moment, a simpleton walks in. And,…ACTION!

Simpleton, “Hey, bartender. You don’t look busy. 

Head Brewer(inaudible growl and gnashing of teeth)

Simpleton, “Gimme an IPA.”

Head Brewer, “Which one? We have a couple…”

Simpleton, “Just give me your best IPA. I know beer so I’m not interested in what you serve the college kids.”

Head Brewer(split second before aneurysm, has epiphany), “Yes sir. Perfect timing. I have something special for you. Try this.

Simpleton, “OK, but all IPA’s are the same.”

Head Brewer, “This is special. Aged in barrels surrounded by railroad tracks near the race track. The water was filtered thru limestone near Churchill Downs and the barley was shipped in exclusively from Saudi Arabia. The barley is only fed to the very best Arabian stallions. Take a whiff. What do you think?”

Simpleton, “Ok, uh, yeah, its a little dry…water, where did you say the water came from?..”

Head Brewer, “I knew you’d get it. You know beer. A hint of bluegrass with a subtle horseshoe metal finish. Only the most discerning can detect the subtle notes. Makes it feel shiny at the end. I’m sure you already knew that though.”

Simpleton, “Oh, yes, I knew what you were talking about. You didn’t give me a chance. Shiny is the perfect way to describe the end and I love the horseshoe aftertaste that seems to linger in my nostrils like a fine wine.”

Head Brewer, “Yeah, like a wine, sure. That’s exactly what we were going for. You know beer. That will be $8.”

.And, SCENE!

This is a perfect example of a head brewer conducting an exbeeriment for his own amusement. How often this happens is hard to quantify but, based on my research, similar scenarios are played out daily by head brewers and bartenders as often as you can imagine a pretentious beer snob saddling up to a bar. Yes, that’s a lot. We should clarify the other definitions of exbeeriment and make it official. 

Ex-beer-i-ment

noun

/ikˈsbeerəmənt,ekˈsbeerəmənt/

a semi-scientific procedure undertaken to make a discovery, test a hypothesis, or demonstrate a pretentious beer snob doesn’t know as much about beer as he thinks he does for the amusement of the people in the craft beer industry.

“I have tested this by exbeeriment and can conclude that the pretentious beer snob sitting at the bar is as shallow as the urinal in the mens room.”

verb

/ikˈsbeerəmənt,ekˈsbeerəmənt/

anytime a self aware beer lover tries a new style of beer or visits a craft brewery or taproom for the first time.

“I will be conducting an exbeeriment today when I visit for the first time the new taproom that opened last week.”

verb/noun

/ikˈsbeerəmənt,ekˈsbeerəmənt/

Experiment with a “b”.

“I made up the word, exbeeriment, by replacing the “p” with a “b”. I did this purely for my  own amusement.”

Well, there you have it. I feel like I have made a positive addition to the world of literature. I will be submitting, “exbeeriment”, to Merriam-Webster for inclusion in the dictionary. Lets have a beer and celebrate. Cheers.

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